Kaili24’s Weblog

Since this is the last entry for blog. I have a little quiz for you to try. That is if you are reading it. Below are 3 photos of children from my mum’s childcare centre. Among them, guess which one of them is autistic. It can be 1 of them or all of them.

( Sorry she keeps moving, couldn’t get a clear shot of her)

Guess it yet? I’ll reveal the answer now. It’s all three of them. Don’t look like it? They are among my favorite  children in the childcare centre. They are so pure and innocent. No motives, everything they feel, everything thing that they dislike or like are all shown on the face. No attempt of trying to hide it. People stop doing that after they grow up right? I do that. I bet there are times when you do that too. I love hanging out with them because they are so real. They want something they will ask, they feel unhappy they will cry, they feel jealous they will cry too, when they are happy they smile and when they are having fun they laugh out loud. You should hear their laughter, its hilarious and adorable. Though sometimes their actions gives the teacher’s headache but they are so adorable that we just simple forgive them. If only I could turn back time and return to being a kid, where everyone’s facing everyone with their real and true side of themselves. That would be great and impossible.

Well it’s the last week of school. Time flies so quickly. It was as if yesterday was the first day of school. My worse first-day-of-school ever. I came to school 2 hours earlier than lesson actually starts because I read the timetable wrongly. So I was left with 1 hour and 45 minutes of nothing to do. So met up with my best friend for lunch. Thank god she was having break too. While looking for her, I stepped and dragged my iPod earpiece without even knowing it. By the time I realized it, it was already a gone case. Plus I wasn’t feeling well, had fever the night before. When it was finally time for my lesson, I was so cold my finger nails literally turned blue and numb. I was wearing jacket but it still turned blue. After lesson I was feeling so unwell I thought I might faint, so my dad came to fetch me, only then did I realize my fever came back. No wonder I was feeling so cold. For the next 2 weeks I was never healthy.

Then there was also the uncertainty of everything. Everything is so new and unfamiliar I felt extremely uncomfortable. New faces, new lecturers, new school life, everything! I felt as if I have no firm grip on anything. For a moment I thought I had it, then it slipped right through my fingers and I feel lost again. It was a horrible feeling. For an extremely short period of time I felt scared to go to school and I wanted to run away from it, but then if I did, I’ll be such a loser. I rather face it, get it over and done with. The longer I prolong it the longer the problem will be with me.

Now I love school. I’m studying something I love and my classmates are fun to be with. I’m glad that I’m getting firmer grip on things, though some stuff still slip through my fingers but I bet that’s how life is. You can’t have everything.

Oh by the way, story 1 is true and story 2 is false. I don’t have a dog. =D I wish I had one though.. =P

In this post, with every letter I type, I’m tearing. My mum just returned from China, and she told me the footages she saw on their news. Its heart breaking and heart wrenching. I could imagine the pictures and videos she saw. Here are some of the footages she described to me.

The army was just able to remove this huge rumble, when they opened upped, they saw kids, ages 2 to 3 years, all curled up in pockets, all DEAD. The soldiers carried the kids out one by one, all crying. It was a kindergarden that collapsed. Their lives are just starting. How can they just die so early???

This soldier was given the task to go deep into the rumble area to save other people. The moment he reached there, he saw his house, his son saw him and started to call out to him. Asking his daddy to save him. His dad told him to stay where he is, soldiers that are being sent to his area will be coming to save him soon, he has to follow his orders. By the time he came back, his son is dead. They interviewed him, all he said was: my son is dead. He’s dead.

The soldiers used a machine to check for life. But they couldn’t. However they saw this female dead body, they wanted to go looking for survivors first before removing the body. But they realised that the lady died in a weird position. She is kneeling on her knees and crouched over, as if protecting something. So then they removed her and found a 2 months old baby, totally uninjured. And in the mother’s hand, they found a message she typed into the phone before she died. She wrote in chinese: Baby, if you have a chance to survive, Mummy loves you.

The school collapsed. A teacher ran in to save her children. She grabbed 2 child and came out. Went in again and saved another 2 child. On her third save, she was hit by a falling wall, and was severed at the waiste. But the 2 children was saved. When the rescuers tried to carry the kids away from her they couldn’t because she is grabbing the children so tightly with her hands even though she is dead. They have no choice but the saw away her arms to bring the children out.

The rescuers found a couple under a rumble. The wife is dead but the husband is still alive. They rescued the husband and pulled the wife’s body out. They told the husband to leave the body and go seek for treatment. But he said he cannot leave his wife out there. So he tied his wife body to his back, piggy- backing her, then wrote a motorcycle out and all the way to the hospital and put her in the mortuary.

Those are some of it. There are more that my mum told me. I really don’t know how they manage it. I seriously don’t. I may not like China people but they are humans after all. We are all the same kind. I just can’t help but feel so so utterly sad for them. I want to do something for them. But I don’t know what.

I was reading up on cyclones and I found out that if you were at the centre of the cyclone, which is called the eye, you would experience nice weather, light breeze and clear skies if the cyclone is a strong tropical cyclone. The diameter of the eye may be from 30 to 65km wide.
Imagine if you are in the eye of the cyclone, near the edges of the eye. You would see clear blue skies and nice light winds, and when you turn to the back, you would see towering thunderstorms. This is where the most severe weather of the cyclone occurs. You would be at the most peaceful area of the cyclone, but just a stone throw away you would be in the worse weather you will ever possibly experience. Lucky.
Now put yourself in those towering thunderstorms. I wouldn’t know how to describe, its as though any words use to describe it would be an understatement. Everything you own will be washed away by the violent weather. Your house, bed, television, the Macbook you are using right now, your loved ones and your life.
It makes me feel so sorry for the Myanmar cyclone victims. I cannot imagine how awful it is to lose everything, desperately looking for your loved ones, and at the same time seeing dead bodies everywhere you go. With every step wondering whether if your loved ones are still alive. Every time I see a donation box for the Myanmar cyclone victims I would donate.  Hoping that it could help them. Even though it’s just a little. I really sympathize and feel pain for them. If I am in their position, I wouldn’t know if I can be as strong as they are.

I was half an hour earlier than the meeting time I had with my cousins and our god brother. We were going to catch a movie. So I decided to shop for my mum’s present for Mother’s day. I went round Tiong Baruh Plaza many times before I spotted this bag that seems to suit my mum. I walked into the shop and checked out the bag. The sales lady, which is about 40 plus, came to me and started promoting it. “The bag’s design is very popular now. Many young people like this kind of designs.” I immediately told her that its for my mum, not for myself, and she changed her tactics. “This bag is very suitable for mother’s too. They can bring them for traveling in Malaysia and it can put many things inside.” How quick is that?

After I got home, this scene somehow resurfaced in my mind again and I started to think about it. I knew for the fact that she will change her promoting tactic the moment I say that it is not for me but for my mum instead, and yet I still told her that. Its as though I want her to brainwash me into thinking that this is the bag to buy. Or is it because I am curious to know what will she say if I told her that it’s for my mum? Can it be because I’m alone and I have no second opinions to ask thats why I need the sales person to convince me into buying it making sure that I don’t regret it later. To push away the lack of confidence I have with my own taste? Could it also be I’m tired from walking around and searching for my mum’s present that I want to just buy the bag and be done with it? A second person to just tell me its good and suitable so I won’t feel as though I just randomly grab a present for mum with no effort or thought put into it? To push away my feeling of unfilial towards my mum? My mum took care for me for 17 years and I can’t even get a nice present for her. These are all the thoughts that came flooding into my head. I did buy the bag though. My mum says its nice, she love it. But those thoughts still doesn’t leave me. So I ended up thinking the whole night. By the time I slept it was about 5 in the morning. And the amazing thing is I still haven’t got my answer.

Its been 3 weeks since I went for ballet class due to my poor health. Never had a healthy day since first day of school. And months since I danced hip hop and freestyle, besides the highly embarrassing dance I did for the class. My body seems to have forgotten how to move. None of the movements feel right and the the steps doesn’t flow well. I think this led to my old habit coming back. When ever I see reflections, be it from a window or mirror or anything with a smooth surface that shows my reflection, I will start to dance in front of it. I’ve had the habit since Secondary school, and I am unaware of it until a few moments later I realise what I’m doing then I would stop myself. The habit stopped since O’levels.

I realised that the habit came back last Friday during studio production class when I started to dance in front of the huge glass pane that connects the control room and the corridor. I was eating at the corridor and I started dancing because I can see my own reflection. After a few moments, I realise what I was doing and I stopped myself. Its a bad habit I want to get rid of. From your point view its weird, funny, or not important. You may think that I’m making a big deal out of it. But to me it is important that I kick it. I bet there are habits that you want to get rid of too right? Like biting nails or cracking your knuckles. You don’t like the habit and you want to kick it. Its the same for me. I don’t want this habit of mine. My parents told me before, HABIT, take away the H you still have ABIT, you take away the A, you still have BIT, you take away the B, you’ll still have IT. Habit is the hardest thing to kick. I will have to practice self control when ever I walk past a reflection. I must kick this habit away.

For the pass few days I haven’t been able to sleep. It has become a norm for me to lie in bed thinking for about an hour or so every night before I actually fall asleep. But recently, the hours has increased. I lie in bed at maybe 11pm, only to fall asleep at 1am or even later. Thinking. Just thinking. Physically I am very tired, my eyelids weighs a tonne, but my brain keeps working. Causing me to be lack of sleep. I will think about what has happened in school, ideas for the demo show and just about anything. Mentally checking if I have all the things I need ready for school the next day, and about the most boring things you can think of.

I would think till I fall asleep, and I don’t know that I had fallen asleep until I wake up next morning. And the scary thing is, I continue from where I left my thoughts the night before. Do any of you experience anything like this on a daily basis? Is all this thinking good or bad?

2 weeks ago, my friends and I went to our secondary school concert. Its named Gala Night, where all the performing arts CCAs in our school get to perform. A chance we do not have when we were still in secondary school. Feeling slightly bummed. Our secondary school has never taken all the dance CCAs seriously. This is the first time they seemed to have noticed our dance groups. So my friends and I, who were in the dance CCA, definitely have to go to show our support to our juniors. I do not have any photos with me now, they are all with my friends. When I get it from them I’ll post it up.

It was a nice concert, our juniors did not bad, most importantly I got to meet up with all my (well most of them) secondary school friends. I miss them so much. All the nonsense we had been through since secondary 1, the fights we had, all the laughter and the copying of homework. How nostalgic. Oh well, I must move on, otherwise its gonna be very bad for health for me. Haha. Not that I will forget my secondary school friends. We’ll meet whenever we can. As often as we can.

Oh this is a clip from Step Up 2: The Streets the last dance. Its very very out of the world nice! When I watched it my heart starts to beat really quick. Its the best yet! Here enjoy it:

Step Up 2 – The last dance in the movie